What Travel Writers Say

Singer brings a peaceful easy feeling to those in need (02, 07, 11)
My guess is that 99.9‰ of Christians would currently fail a comprehensive works of mercy test. In my own case, I recently practised the corporal work of mercy involving visiting the sick. I drove to Douglas Memorial Hospital in Fort Erie which... more

Stanley Cup mugging had this fan tuning out (25, 06, 11)
Remember the exquisite skating of Buffalo's Gilbert Perreault and Montreal's Jean Beliveau? Long gone. Now, they shoot the puck in the corner and bash and crash into each other until the puck springs loose. more

Did you know why ... this guy monopolizes the conversation? (18, 06, 11)
Did you know that we are living in exponential times? That there are 31 billion searches on Google every month? In 2006, this number was 2.7 billion. more

Axing school libraries a grave mistake (11, 06, 11)
James Mitchener, a prolific author, states, "Public libraries have been a mainstay of my life. They represent an individual's right to acquire knowledge; they are the sinews that bind civilized societies the world over. Without libraries, I would be a pauper, intellectually and spiritually." more

Whatever happened to 'real' friends? (04, 06, 11)
Back in the 60's when I was at high school, we didn't have ear plugs that would pump music into our ears and inoculate us from the outside world. Now, one must be careful when walking; otherwise ear-phoned people either with plugs or other devices wrapped around their ears are so unaware of their milieu that it's amazing more do not get run over by cars driven by other people on their cell phones or grooving to their cd-player or some Sirius music channel. more

The Dandelions - now there's a frightening team name! (28, 05, 11)
There are myriad, murky categories from which to choose to assigning a ferocious nickname to a pro sports team. Animals seem popular, the more brutal, the better. more

There's one creep crawly that gives me the heebie-jeebies (21, 05, 11)
I read a newspaper story today about a Tampa-area woman who found an unwelcome weekend guest in her bathroom... more

Towel Day celebrates Hitchhiker author (14, 05, 11)
Our youngest daughter's favourite author as an adolescent was Douglas Adams, a Brit. In The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Adams stated that a towel is the most important item a hitchhiker can have. more

Cardinals in spring are nature's wake-up call (30, 04, 11)
The male Northern Cardinal is a favourite with young and old, perhaps not as spicy as a blue jay but so stylish in its brilliant shade of red that you can't peel your eyes off of it. more

It's raining cats, dogs, cows, politicians... (23, 04, 11)
Dear Mr. Retired Person,
My husband Arnold and I have been married for 45 years and during that time, we have often heard people say... more

The Great TV Debate Synopsis
- Harper, Layton, Ignatieff, Duceppe & via phone, May (this article was censored presumably because the satire is too close to the bone which is what most leaders throw at us.)
For those who missed the riveting two televised "Leader's Debates" on TV, I will condense their four hours of platitudinous and ponderous debate into a short, simple synopsis. more

Who knew a friendly game of dominoes could get so intense? (09, 04, 11)
We played dominoes with two retired friends last night, both of them in their middle 70s. more

Bring lots of Kleenex when you watch this documentary (02, 04, 11)
For seniors, it's a marvellous tonic, the story of a chorus brought together by Bob Cilman and Judith Sharpe in 1982. more

You're in the driver's seat buying a car in the Internet age (26, 03, 11)
Normally, when sensing the need for new wheels, I perform exhaustive research, checking out automotive magazines and books geared to assessing cars. more

The goods on age activated attention disorder (19, 03, 11)
Some call it age activated attention disorder disease. I'm a prime example. more

Enough groaners for a month of pun-days (12, 03, 11)
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says,..... more

Conservation area best place to view annual raptor migration (05, 03, 11)
Think retirement is strictly for the birds? You may be correct. more

They say that laughter is the best medicine (19, 02, 11)
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. more

If you want to be dull, it's easy. Here's how. (12, 02, 11)
Yes, it's time for another installment of "Dear Mr. Retired Person" advancing simple yet profound wisdom learned, not the easy way... more

The fruit cake was on sale, and I deserved a treat! (05, 02, 11)
Miriam instructed me to go shopping, and produced an itemized list broken down into three stores. more

Redundant words infiltrate general public's actual experience (29, 01, 11)
The phrase that really annoys me (I almost used get's my goat) is the "general public." Everybody says it, even Peter Mansbridge. more

Brett Favre can now enjoy the retired life (22, 01, 11)
Because athletes enjoy relatively short careers due to the pounding, it's fair that they should acquire as much as they can. They are entertainers, much like... more

Find any excuse to start singing - it's good for you (15, 01, 11)
Simply follow the example of our exalted leader, Prime Minister Stephen Harper belting out popular tunes at the piano... more

My choice for 2010's 2word-of-the-year - 'quagmire' (08, 01, 11)
Merriam-Webster's 2010 word-of-the-year' was austerity, "the quality or state of being austere" and "enforced or extreme economy." I have a much better word that sums up 2010. more

Meditation 101 - remember, the idea is to do nothing (31, 12, 10)
I am advocating meditation, a practice which keeps away illness and preserves youth and beauty. And you do nothing! No "health food," no money wasted, and no exercise. more

Holiday eating tips that are guaranteed to put on weight (24, 12, 10)
If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. more

It's time for seniors to be given the bird (of their choice) (18, 12, 10)
Retired people do not possess the cohesive and suggestive symbols nor enjoy the splendid pomp and pageantry that other heterogeneous groups enjoy... more

Colour-coded husband alert - he's home alone (11, 12, 10)
Miriam arrived home yesterday after a four-day visit with our eldest in Ottawa. I met her at the door. "I think I should advise you of the following," I said after giving her a perfunctory hug. "The bathroom is definitely code red..." more

What happened to courtesy? (04, 12, 10)
Sometimes, seemingly trivial acts that we perform are the most important. Courtesy is a good example... more

There is indeed a Santa, but he works in mysterious ways (27, 11, 10)
Taxpayers and therefore seniors, who make up a huge chunk of the Canadian demographic, will soon be inundated with government cheques that clog mail boxes from sea to sea to sea... more

In what other organization can you be boss at age 86? (20, 11, 10)
If you are currently retired with not much around to occupy your time, I'm looking for a consigliere. The position was popularized in Mario Puzo's 1969 novel. If you remember correctly, a consigliere is an adviser to the boss... more

Border guards trivia questions could jazz up crossings (13, 11, 10)
You can't smile for passport pictures, not even a tiny smirk, so I was looking rather glum... more

The Problem starts with 'no problem' (06, 11, 10)
What distinguishes older types from younger types today is often observable in terms of gratitude as in expressions of thanks or appreciation... more

Adult children - let the competition begin! (30, 10, 10)
I think you already know the problem. You meet old friends or new friends and they make the tragic mistake of asking about your children. more

If I shout into a cell phone, will the person on the other end hear me better? (23, 10, 10)
It's so tiny. How can it connect me with someone far, far away? I can barely hold a modern cell phone. My large hand totally enfolds and obscures the little creature. Sure, it fits conveniently into any pocket, but it's miniscule size causes me doubt its capacity to deliver. more

Tattoos are flourishing everywhere, so why not in NOTL? (16, 10, 10)
Times change. A young insurgent lad today need not wear the de rigeur leather coat and shaggy hair of our day to prove that he is a rebel. Now, he exhibits a neck tattoo, drinks Coke for breakfast and prefers to live in a trailer with his pregnant girlfriend. more

We are angry at pols because we trust nobody in power (09, 10, 10)
When George Smitherman pulled a Sarah Palin and dropped out of his cozy Queen's Park cabinet position to enter into the Toronto mayoral fray, voters were expected to collectively nod in agreement. Along came rolly polly Bob Ford......... more

'Cool' tips so you won't sound like an old fossil (02, 10, 10)
On those momentous occasions when you must say something beyond "Pass the salt" or "Is it time to go to bed?" you must exercise extreme caution. more

Every so often it seems it's all nuts in this world (25, 09, 10)
Miriam and I sit at the table enjoying lunch, and outside, a brown squirrel joins us. To our amazement, he............... more

Jet Boat ride is one wet adrenaline rush (18, 09, 10)
A year ago, I would not recommend it for retirees. I tried it on a cool day and the encounter with water - tons of it, was like going ten rounds with Canadian heavyweight George Chuvalo in his prime. more

My first-ever helicopter ride - what a view! (11, 09, 10)
Sometimes you simply have to try something new, push the envelope a tad. more

Niagara a treasure trove of free 'staycation' spots (04, 09, 10)
Retirement was supposed to allow for wide scale travel, right? Not lately. For retirees, the economy has not been that good, particularly for those on a fixed income. Therefore, one must be creative and selective in enjoying one's leisure time. more

Truly seeing the beauty that surrounds us (28, 08, 10)
I'm reminded of poet, William Wordsworth, who walked across the land, soaking up the countryside and writing poems such as the Prelude in which he glories in the "visionary gleam" that we all possess as children yet soon get edited out. more

Get off your rear and take some chances (21, 08, 10)
I recently interviewed Jackie Maxwell, Shaw Festival artistic director, about to sign a new contract. She admitted that if she was not allowed to direct plays, she would not be interested in the job. She said that you "have to be out there on the ledge, because that's how art is created." In other words, get moving; get off your rear end and take some chances. more

The man in the mirror in the morning is often Bela Lugosi (14, 08, 10)
When I reached the pubertal period, I thought that I looked like Craig Stevens who played private detective, Peter Gunn on TV. I combed my hair like my hero. I tried to walk and talk like him and even played his theme music in my brain. more

My latest game invention - Who's Alive and Who's Not (07, 08, 10)
I got the Who's Alive and Who's Not idea from the web. There is a great website that provides this information so you can tell whether or not you are wasting your money sending Christmas cards to certain individuals. more

Joining the ranks of retirees - voluntary or otherwise? (31, 07, 10)
Have you noticed? People seem to be joining the ranks of us retirees at unprecedented rates. Some prematurely. more

I've been getting maximum mileage out of maxims (17, 07, 10)
I'm eternally grateful that even though I was a pretty decent hockey player, I never made the Toronto Maple Leafs because I don't think that I could take the constant embarrassment and ridicule. more

Service stations? (10, 07, 10)
Some of you seniors might be in for a surprise this year as I was recently when it came time to renew my license, my automobile license that is... more

Our late friend Charles would have appreciated the irony (03, 07, 10)
One of our colleagues suffered a massive heart attack in his garden, and passed away suddenly leaving us all in a state of distress. more

Nude hiker gives Swiss viewers something to yodel about: (26, 06, 10)
I wonder what's appropriate to say when one encounters a nude hiker. I guess it really doesn't matter as long as you maintain eye contact. more

The enemy would never figure out our bathroom breaks (19, 06, 10)
There are many criteria for service in the armed forces at present, but I would like to reflect on the issue of age. Maximum age now is 42 in the U.S. and 34 in Canada. An author I read thinks this is way too young and says they have the whole thing backwards. more

It should be a senior's right to have any name I want (12, 06, 10)
I've often coveted the seeming anonymity of a prison number, say 675488. more

I'm talking to the flowers - will they talk back? (05, 06, 10)
"Aren't you a pretty one!" I exclaimed to the peony and not "Bloom, damn you" or "If you do not behave, I will throw you into the compost bin." more

Niagara seniors need to campaign for 'the right to tinkle' too (29, 05, 10)
Howard Moscoe, a veteran Toronto councillor, campaigned for what he calls "the right to tinkle." With aging demographics, he argues that many seniors don't venture out for fear of finding themselves out of range of a toilet. more

Men's book club benched for the Canadiens series (22, 05, 10)
It's not easy to attend monthly meetings when you are retired. I find that I have less and less time to devote to frivolous meetings. more

When spousal arguments exceed "reasonable force" (15, 05, 10)
It all comes down to the fundamental question of what was proportionate in the moment.... more

Turning to the great thinkers to achieve positive vibes (08, 05, 10)
"What goes up, must come down," sounds simple yet carries with it a depth of understanding that only stock brokers can appreciate. more

New typefaces for a new age of 'e-interactions' (01, 05, 10)
I've been starting to re-evaluate my typeface..... more

Baseball lingo 101 for your spouse (24, 04, 2010)
Prior to watching any game, I suggest that you first check the Internet for a rendition of Budd Abbott and Lou Costello's Who's on First. more

Finding Eden (17, 04, 2010)
The first garden was created in a distant place named Eden, and in that garden, our two predecessors, Adam and Eve, had everything they desired at their disposal. more

Get inspired for next April Fool's (10, 04, 2010)
In 1977, The Guardian in Britain published a seven-page supplement devoted to Sans Seriffe, a small republic said to consist of several semi-colon-shaped islands located in the Indian Ocean. more

I'm aiming for nap success (03, 04, 2010)
A nap during the day improves the brain's ability to absorb new information. more

The housekeeping podium is mine to own (27, 03, 2010)
"I want you to pull your weight. I want you to dedicate yourself to housework as if seven judges from foreign countries are watching you, seven foreign countries where it's the man's duty to perform as well in the kitchen as in the bedroom." more

Sequential thinking is definitely not my strong point (20, 03, 2010)
There is no room for anybody else in my office and that's the territorial imperative I'd like to maintain. more

Waiting would be so much simpler if I was a yogi (13, 03, 2010)
I want to get my damn computer to work properly now dammit! more

My post-retirement dream job sleepily awaits (06, 03, 2010)
I'm seriously thinking about coming out of retirement... more

A little apology can be good for the soul (27, 02, 2010)
Former MLB home run king Hank Aaron says that Mark McGwire should now have a clear conscience after his recent apology for using performance-enhancing drugs as a player. more

Retirees can go from being milked to milking the cow (20, 02, 2010)
Canadian citizens have noticed a strong odour emanating from Parliament Hill where the first results of prorogation has been leading to some interesting... more

Sines and cosines and the language of love (13, 02, 2010)
I hated math in school, and it caused me pain and endless sorrow so I think it brilliant of me these many decades later to use it in such a positive fashion... more

Send in the seniors to terrorize the terrorists (30. 02, 2010)
Forget about x-rays and pictures and dogs sniffing bags and the CIA and CSIS and all of the other useless techniques tried thus far. Send in the seniors. more

I'm having Hansard withdrawal with Ottawa on hold (23, 02, 2010)
To bored seniors out there who daily depend upon Question Period and the diligent reading of Hansard for their prime source of entertainment, I feel your pain. more

You are about to forget about 80 percent of this column (16, 02, 2010)
Dear Mr. Retired Person,
Amy in our grade five class read us your newspaper answer to her question about changes that happen when you age. Do you have any other interesting facts? more

Getting older is kind of like losing socks in the wash (09, 02, 2010)
Dear Mr. Retired Person,
Our teacher gave us another project. We have to write down ten things that change as you get older. I thought you would be great for this because you are so old. more

Feeling down this New Year? (02, 01, 2010)
The frantic Christmas season replete with last-minute shopping, excessive eating and singing the same carols over and over is finally kaput. My hope is that you did not receive..... more

It would be nice to think green this Christmas (19, 12, 09)
Recently, Miriam and I were awarded large gift-wrapped items we had won in draws. When we opened these baskets, we discovered that in both cases, the packaging was responsible for two-thirds of the bulk. Excess paper, wrapping and stuffing provided the steroid-like huge size. How ridiculous. more

Sure-fire (and cheap) ways to spice up your relationship (05, 12, 09)
I have enjoyed great success with post-it notes. They come in a variety of colours for that special effect. Go to the grocery store and purchase the items that I mention next.... more

Attention senior citizens: you better shop around (28, 11, 09)
I suppose it's a lot like the airline business. You get on an airplane, and if you ask three different people what they paid for their tickets, you likely get three different amounts. more

The trick to a long life is a sense of humour (21, 11, 09)
It's scary when you start to make the same noises as your coffee maker. You know how it gurgles and sputters and then sighs? That's Miriam and I in the morning. more

Ailing friends have imparted a doctor's worth of knowledge (14, 11, 09)
My doctor is 72 years old. I figure if I had paid more attention and taken notes, I could easily have accumulated several credits towards a medical degree. I calculate that just in the normal course of events, by visiting our friends, I could easily acquire the information required to pass any medical exam that involved ears, knees, the heart and kidney. more

Advice from someone with lots of miles under his belt (7, 11, 09)
I can advise people all day long without getting unduly tired in the process. more

Our Mens' Book Club is taking competition to a new level (31, 10, 09)
I do not remember who the culprit was who thought he was Julia Child, but somebody made chili for one of our meetings. Next, there was pizza, and then somebody baked a pie, and it escalated such that the host no longer has time to be part of the book discussion, confined to the kitchen, preparing lavish treats. more

Will the Prince of Wales stay in the Prince of Wales? (17, 10, 09)
Prince Charles and Camilla reportedly are going to visit Niagara on the Lake in November which is appropriate because if they decide to stay over at the Prince of Wales Hotel, we would have the Prince of Wales actually in the Prince of Wales. more

Grocery store shopping for dialogue (10, 10, 09)
I enjoy grocery shopping either at home or when I travel, but rarely purchase groceries. more

Alouettes' Sam 'the Rifle' passes the ball to 'Prince Hal' - that's as good as it gets (03, 10, 09)
It wasn't just Etcheverry, but the combination of Sam and Hal (Prince Hal) Patterson, his favourite receiver, who would always make the clutch catch, no matter how difficult. more

Running of the Seniors will work, and that's no bull (26, 09, 09)
"I told my family that I just had to do it," North Korean Kim Jong-il will intone. "I love to chase and scare people." more

So how do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? (19, 09, 09)
Miriam insists that I missed school the day they taught mathematical concepts such as telling time, adding and subtracting... more

Forget the diet, I've decided to eat like a sumo wrestler (12, 09, 09)
Sumo wrestlers spend their time, exercising, eating and relaxing, completely focused on the rigours of sumo preparation. I wasn't sure about exercise, but I bought into the eating and relaxing components... more

Seniors rule baseball's most important job (29, 08, 09)
Soon enough, those invigorating brisk breezes of fall will chatter into our world view with chilly air and falling leaves and, immediately, everyone's thoughts will quickly turn to the World Series... more

Perhaps city council can tap into wise elder's wisdom (22, 08, 09)
As retirees, we have an opportunity and perhaps a responsibility to be wise, to take the sum total of all of our experience and knowledge and focus it into proactive suggestions for others embarking on similar journeys. more

As you get older, you learn to be careful about what you say and how you say it... (15, 08, 09))
As a senior and possibly a cheerful grandparent of one or more little tykes, many people, including your very own progeny will often unexpectedly come up to you and proudly display some item of their interest. more

So you think people think about you? (08,08,09)
If you are male, you think about sex. If you are female, you think about shoes. If you are a dog, you think about going out for a walk. That's it. Yet, we have this illusion that we carry around with us that people are constantly thinking about us. Not true. more

Keep repeating the retirees' mantra: it doesn't matter (01,08,09)
When one retires, after graduating from that initial confusing period, which lasts from 6.5 weeks to a full year, when you are still somewhat uncertain about going to work in the morning and feel guilty that you are not, you finally approach a mindset which I will refer to as "it doesn't matter" or IDM for short. more

There's something for everyone to celebrate in August (25, 07, 09)
Seniors like to celebrate, particularly when it's free, so Miriam and I drove down to Fort George, angled our car on a steep incline in front of the bastion and waited for darkness to descend. more

Inventing and investing in St. Unguen (Censored)
I got the idea when reading about St. Apollina who is the patron saint of dentists and toothache sufferers. She was martyred by the Romans in AD 249 and in the process, she had her teeth knocked out. more

Pet dating service? It's money in the bank... (04, 07, 09)
Watch any dog on the street when another approaches. The immediate reaction is to befriend the other dog. more

Retirees could offer a mass of body guards... (27, 06, 09)
Good retired folk suffering in a recession, watching fixed incomes dwindle, reduced to a meaningless paltry amount like a 140 character twitter message, might wonder: how can I make a few more dollars, assuming, of course, that it's legal. more

But it says 'extend all privileges!' (13, 06, 09)
It's official. A full eighteen days after celebrating my 65th birthday, I received an envelope from Service Canada... more

The mind is still curious even if the body twinges a bit... (16, 05, 09)
I routinely do what I want to do, an attitude that often provides conflict with Miriam who suggests that I attend to household matters I regard as pedestrian. I require a course in Zen to appreciate the enticing jobs of vacuuming, taking out the garbage and items that rarely register on my radar. more

We're looking for a handout to remain retired... (28, 03, 09)
I've decided that Mr. Harper and Mr. Flaherty had better soon decide to give those of us on the fixed income some incentive to remain in that category. Are we not worth a bonus for the lack of work that we do? Fair is fair. more

Calculate your pension income then pray... (07, 03, 09)
Why has the Government of Canada developed the Canadian Retirement Income Calculator? more

Ah, the stories we could tell young students... (14, 03, 09)
I have often wondered why schools do not take better advantage of retired seniors in their communities. After all, seniors can make an active, positive.... more

There are advantages to aging, if I can remember... (27, 12, 08)
The nice thing about age is that if there's a disaster at sea, the oldest have a decent shot to get off the boat first if I remember my rules of courtesy correctly... more

I'm eligible for OAS, but what's with the 'old age' part? (13, 12, 08)
Extra cash for travel courtesy of your government is kinda neat, but there's some sting in the name of the program that could easily be replaced... more

Do you get the sense that gloom weighs heavily on the planet? (29, 11, 08)
Each country has its own recipe for cheer... more

Some thoughts on life from those who think Jung. (22, 11, 08)
The trick is to hang around long enough until our thinking gets really simple... more

A hyperbaric chamber makes an ideal gift. (08, 11, 08)
The chamber increases pressure, reducing the size of the gas bubbles (but not the smell)... more

Here are some 'horrorscopes' just in time for Halloween. (18, 10, 08)
Think Stephen King and William Shakespeare with a touch of Bella Lugosi... more

Grammar ain't what it used to be. (13, 09, 08)
Entering the Waste Land with split infinitives and run-on sentences... more

Re-routed Matilda's sinister plan 'to cause trouble' took flight. (06, 09, 08)
An older lady with whom you should avoid travel at all costs... more

Youth and gold medals are wasted on the young. (30, 08, 08)
Forget Beijing and Michael Phelps. T.E. Smith is the perfect role model for seniors... more

A senior's spin on the business lunch... (16, 08, 08)
Sometimes it's hard to know the correct etiquette for dining with others. Here are some important tips that will help on your next cruise... more

We work 44.8 % of the year to pay our taxes. (12, 07, 08)
India looks promising but I might move to Tahiti where at least I would save on clothes... more

Mr. Snarly, Mr. Nice and Ms. Who Knows at the U.S. border. (05, 07, 08)
For the guy from South Africa, the two Asians, someone from the Middle East (there goes our quick entry) and a bunch of shifty-looking young people, none of whom I would ask to collect our mail, crossing the border provokes indigestion and fear... more

It gets lonely when you're at the top of the age demographic. (10, 05, 08)
Do you drive a large, blue Chevy with lots of dents - at approximately 30 km. per hour in the 60 km. zone? And other existential questions... more

My canes keep me grounded on a gorgeous spring day walk. (03, 05, 08)
Walking and musing along the Niagara River keeps one alert and ready for unexpected encounters and life-altering opportunities... more

Church bulletins are often the source of inadvertent humour. (26, 04, 08)
Whenever you need a laugh, go straight to church, especially when you travel... more

Let us count the ways that it's a great time to be a Leaf. (05, 04, 08)
In Toronto's Hockey Hall of Fame, I realize that those who play for the Leafs are entitled to longer vacations... more

It's a dead end for this technologically-challenged right-brainer. (22, 03, 08)
Signs along the road of life and a desperate cry from the right lane for help... more

How to lower male blood pressure. (Censored)
In this hyper-electronic nonstop-communication era, while everyone is trying to inflate your assets, a wise doctor (probably a naturopath) discovers a simple exercise that's beneficial to masculine eyes and other body parts... more