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A senior's spin on the business lunch
© by Mike Keenan 
Dear Mr. Retired Person,
I am a medium-sized, local businessman; we decided to invite clients to lunch in order to grease the old wheels. We want to make them feel warm all over. You must have appropriate tips for business lunch etiquette. Thanks, Sam, St. Catharines Dear Sam, You've come to the write place. (That's a pun.) If you want to stay medium-sized, be careful what you eat. Ha. Ha. Enough humour; let's get to those perplexing questions. Who orders first? The host takes the guest's order and orders for both in the same fashion that a host takes a guest's coat, hat, umbrella, etc. When someone visits and bring slippers, we know we are in trouble. Usually, the guest orders first which allows you to gauge your selection. If business is really poor and your guest orders the most expensive item on the menu, you may be tempted to order "down;" ask merely for a piece of toast, suggesting you are a convert to the "Lord Black jailhouse diet." A good strategy is to recommend something modest. Say quite authoritatively: "Raymonde (heavy emphasis on the monde), the chef, makes a wonderful chicken fried sandwich with a delightful side order of fries." Never underestimate the power of suggestion. Lots of couples quickly get married whenever parents notice the little lady is gaining girth in the abdominal area. What's an appropriate order for a business lunch? Three or four large Scotches would be my first choice, but I think I have covered some of the intricacies above. You can never go wrong with salads. The guest thinks you are health-conscious, in keeping with being (you guessed) a medium-sized businessman. Seating arrangements: if there are more than two people, do you pay attention to who sits where? Some like to sit where they can be seen. They are extroverts. Some are the opposite. They are referred to as people engaged in affairs; frankly, they should have their heads read for flaunting this ridiculous fatal attraction in a public place. The "power" seat is the one that commands the best view of the restaurant and door. If you watch the Sopranos, notice Tony always occupies the power position. He also packs "heat." If you do not want your guest to feel so high and mighty, force him or her to sit next to the washroom. That takes them down a notch or a peg or whatever it is that gets taken down. Wine, beer, alcohol or water - what makes an appropriate beverage with lunch? Does the host order wine[s] for dinner or defer to the guest? Drinks used to be standard and wine allowed everyone to act snobby, but now mineral water or virgin drinks are common which is a joke because tap water should suffice and save you money. Some firms have a dry policy. Teachers always drink their fill. How would you like to go back to a room full of 35 obsessive-compulsive kids? I suggest a single glass of wine which may be white or red but not rose-coloured which is too much of a compromise. What's a safe meal to order for lunch (spaghetti and ribs could pose problems.)? You can't go wrong with a hotdog if you go easy on the condiments. Talk baseball with your guest. Messy food asks for trouble; wear a tie which is handy in case you have to mop up spills. Who pays & what's the going rate for gratuities? I usually employ the old seniors' trick when the bill comes; I immediately head for the washroom - and stay there for a long time. The host should pay, but colleagues often split the bill. If the bar bill is cheaper than the food (good luck!) you can choose it. Gratuities are 15% even to the server who says while you are being seated, "Can I get youse something to drink?" Does anyone care about etiquette anymore? No, but try to hide your tattoos. |
