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Inventing and investing in St. Unguen
© by Mike Keenan 
In the last two weeks, I craftily outlined not one but two simple strategic
initiatives to help retirees earn a few extra dollars during these tough economic times. The first suggestion was that we form into groups of twenty or more and offer our services as body guards. I pointed out that Gandhi essentially freed India from Britain employing this technique, surrounding himself with peaceful followers.
The second suggestion was that we establish a pet dating service providing friendship and nothing more. Feedback has been inspiring; yet some have asked for yet one more idea. I have researched the matter thoroughly and conclude that real money today is in religion. Think about it. There are religious publishing companies that produce books and music and these businesses are making a fortune. At church, there is always a collection, frequently a second collection for some inspired initiative, usually in Africa and occasionally a third collection when money is desperately needed because they didn't collect enough in the first collection. Money was one of the items that inspired the Protestant revolt. No, I'm not suggesting that retirees sell indulgences, although the concept does appeal, particularly with my own children. I think that we can do better than that. The initiative that I have in mind is a win-win scenario for you the retiree and anyone who lives nearby. Soon, your home will become a shrine. If your neighbours are smart, they will make a fortune too. I got the idea when reading about St. Apollina who is the patron saint of dentists and toothache sufferers. She was martyred by the Romans in AD 249 and in the process, she had her teeth knocked out. So, you can see the appeal to dentists. During the reign of Henry VI in the fifteenth century, several tons of her teeth were collected in a bid to stop the widespread scam of the sale of her supposed relics. All we need do is invent a saint and come up with appropriate relics. I suggest St. Unguem. Unguen is Latin for fingernail so I think you can see where I'm headed. The relics would be a piece of cake. Every time you trim your finger and toenails, you have marketable relics to sell those who make a pilgrimage to your home. If you really get rolling, you may have to pay people to supply you with their discarded nails. Contact a manicurist. It will also be easier if you can convince the economic development officer and tourism committee that this is a win- win scenario for them too. Tourist maps can display your home with an appropriate descriptor, explaining St. Unguen and his terrible fate suffered at your place. This is where you must be creative. Why would Unguen visit your house in the first place and how did he suffer his fateful death? Do you remember what happened to George Bush one afternoon when he was eating pretzels and watching NFL football on TV? Yes, he almost choked to death when a pretzel became lodged in his throat. Okay, if it can happen to a President, it can happen to St. Unguen, who was biting his finger nails because the Leafs were playing for the Stanley Cup in 1967 and as they game wore down to the final seconds on TV, Foster Hewitt, screamed, "The Leafs are going to win the cup!" And that's when Unguen bit off a huge piece of finger nail and choked to death, and nobody noticed because they thought his lunging around and crashing into the furniture was merely a celebration of the Leaf victory. Of course, you will have to come up with a plausible reason for Unguen to be visiting your house. I really can't come up with all of the answers for you. You must do your part. Think about it. |
