Seniors Travel

Grocery store shopping for dialogue

© by Mike Keenan

I enjoy grocery shopping either at home or when I travel, but rarely purchase groceries. I go rather to follow young mothers around with their wee ones. If retired and you need a laugh, give it a try. It's free, unless you purchase something that you can easily rationalize as an essential food item even when it's a candy bar.
      I collect dialogue. It often involves a youngster's mouth: "Do NOT put that in your mouth" or "Stop yelling; no matter how many times you scream, you'll still have to take a nap." Also: "That is NOT edible." "Get your fingers out of your mouth." "Why did you spit on that?" "Don't put your toes in your mouth."
      Frequently, young mothers are concerned with posture or control of limbs: "Don't sit on the table." "You can't fly!!!" "Get your elbow out of your sister's ear!" "Don't sit on your brother's head."
      It gets funnier when dads take children to the store washroom: "Pee goes in the toilet" and "You pooped in your pants?" Sometimes it involves a suggestion: "You need to go make a pee pee. Yes, you do! Then why are you dancing and holding your crotch?" Washrooms inspire obsessive behaviour: "You already flushed 3 times." "Yes, you have to wash your hands. Please do not lick your hands." And the realization that it's too late: "What is that smell?" Explanations and commiserations: "Doesn't pooping make your belly feel better? It always makes my belly feel better."
      Children are often poor communicators: "But that's what you just asked me for." "STOP... SAYING… NO!" "I have no idea what you're talking about. Repeating doesn't help."
      Behaviour: "That's not nice." "The dog doesn't like to be kicked." "The dog doesn't like its hair pulled." "Don't hit the dog." "Don't kiss the dog." "Okay, you can hug the dog, but GENTLY." "If you stand on that again I will take it away from you." "You are being too loud. No, you may not spank my bum." "Don't hit people with your head!" "Do NOT tell ME to stop it." "I will not respond to you if you don't stop growling and screaming." "Time out for 2 minutes for ...insert an endless list of reasons" "If you keep screaming, you'll get another 2 minutes." "I think you just said NO for the 237,786,346,823rd time. Stop it."
      You actually don't have to go grocery shopping. If you are fortunate to live in a neighbourhood as I do where there are young families, just hang around outside and listen. It gets amusing. For example, clothing is often an issue with parents and youngsters: "You may not go outside naked." "Please don't put my panties on your head." "You can't go outside in a shoe and a coat." "Where are your underwear?"
      Children acquire bizarre appetites: "We do not eat Barbie's hair!" "Really? You're going to take one bite of that cookie and leave the rest? I'm not sure you're my kid!" "Yes, you can have more tomatoes, but first you have to eat some chicken nuggets What's wrong with this kid?" They like to get around: "No, we are not going in the car. We just got out of it." "No, Daddy doesn't drive a bus. He RIDES on it." They have great expectations for their pets: "The dog cannot fly. Really." They are naturally creative: "That is NOT where you use your crayons." They are willful: "The ball will not come out from under the car no matter how loudly you scream at it." They are independent: "Say you're sorry. You need to say, 'Sorry for locking you out, Mommy.'" They develop strange fetishes: "Son, don't lick the driveway."
      Kids are entertaining to watch as they grow. I recommend children to all couples. They have a unique way of making you humble and tired yet joyful.