|
Sure-fire (and cheap) ways to spice up your relationship
© by Mike Keenan 
Dear Mr. Retired Person,Carla and I are both retired. We have been married for 35 years. I've noticed that the spark just isn't there anymore. We need something to help spice up our lives. Do you have any recommendations on how to inject romance back into our relationship? Please remember that we are on a fixed income and can't afford flying to Vegas and that sort of thing. Thanks, Marcello Dear Marcello, Congratulations on your long marriage. There is no need to worry. And you do not have to spend inordinate amounts of money to be romantic. With romance, it's the little things that count. Romance really is a state of mind. With the right mindset, cleaning the toilet can be romantic. Well, maybe not romantic, but certainly less of a chore. On the other hand, strolling on a moonlit beach can be a total waste of time if you do not have the right attitude or are worried about crabs. I will provide you with several sure-fire initiatives that will rekindle the flame in your hearts. They will be inexpensive as befits your fixed income conundrum. I have enjoyed great success with post-it notes. They come in a variety of colours for that special effect. Go to the grocery store and purchase the items that I mention next. On the bottle of Joy dishwashing detergent, write, "Every day that I share with you is a day full of joy!" It may sound corny to you, but Carla will love it, and she will be more inclined to do the dishes. This is a win-win strategy. Next, fill a bowl with Cheerios cereal. Leave the bowl on her bedside table. Write "Each day with you cheers up my life." You can alternate this strategy with other cereals. For example, "You are so stimulating that when I'm with you, my world goes snap, crackle and pop!" Get the idea? A few chili peppers carefully placed beside the phone: "Carla, you are so hot that you spice up my life." Other items on hand might be substituted, for example Old Spice cologne. In her purse, drop a package of Lifesavers with the note: "I'm glad that I met you Carla; you are such a lifesaver." Nicorettes: "Carla, I'm fatally addicted to you." Caress soap: "Carla, tonight's the night for caressing!" Some brands of toilet paper may be substituted. If it's fire that you want to play with, matches and oven mitts will do the trick. Jose Feliciano's "Come on baby, light my fire" would be a dramatic supplement to the matches and mitts. Tabasco sauce never fails to deliver the intense message that your relationship is hot. A dab or two behind your ears before retiring will do the trick. Of course, if you really want to deliver the message emphatically, place a pair of her sexiest panties on top of the bedroom light fixture. Take the bulb out and add the message: "If only our neighbours could see us now." I mentioned toilet paper before. Think of all of the romantic notes that you could write on a roll of toilet paper. Yes, I know that the setting is not quite right; however, she will know that your heart is in the right place. I understand about the fixed income conundrum. Anybody can fly their spouse to Vegas for a weekend of carefree bliss, but that's too simple a solution. You are wise to be careful in these delicate financial times. So employ what is easily available. Write your initials in the dust that covers the coffee table. Ingenious! Better yet, draw a heart with an arrow through it. Find a cobweb and attach a note beside it: "Carla, three decades ago, I fell into your wonderful web. Roll me up and bind me like a delicious, powerless insect and savour me tonight!" You may never have to clean the house again. Romance is such a powerful emotion. Marcello, these are only a few of thousands of ideas. Good luck with Carla and keep in touch. Keep in touch. Get it? |
