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Feeling down this New Year?
© by Mike Keenan 
It's January. The frantic Christmas season replete with last-minute shopping, excessive eating and singing the same carols over and over is finally kaput. My hope is that you did not receive polo pajamas or socks from Santa. Alas, in the New Year, there is a decided tendency to feel down a quart, sluggish and discombobulated thanks to a significant sugar imbalance. A Men's Book Club friend, Mike Chupik in Welland, provides a timely antidote to help you feel better by placing your woes in juxtaposition to those who feel a lot worse.
For example, you thought our embattled health care system was in need a stimulus? Well, consider this: in a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients died in the same bed on Sunday morning at about 11:00 a.m. regardless of their medical condition. This perplexed doctors and some of them who had seen the movie, The Exorcist, thought that it might have something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. Sunday, so a team of experts assembled to investigate the cause of the strange incidents. Next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to witness themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some held wooden crosses, prayer books, and pictures of Jack Layton to ward off the evil spirits. As the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use his vacuum cleaner. Still having a bad day? That should cheer you up, but if you remain somewhat sluggish, consider this: the average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Alaska oil spill was approximately $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensive saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers from happy onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a Killer Whale ate them both, displaying the remarkable, indisputable laws of nature! Still think you are having a bad day? Okay, the first two stories may help a little, but after the New Year's party and the food and drink, you need more. Consider this: a woman returned home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically in a dancing frenzy with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending quickly to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him extremely hard with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman. Yikes! When I consider all the times Miriam has suddenly encountered me gyrating madly, I'm thankful to be in one piece. Still not feeling better in comparison to others? Consider this: two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The helpless protesters were trampled to death. Feel better yet? Have you resolved to go on a diet and amend your wanton ways? Okay, you need one more powerful example of somebody having a far worse day than yourself. An Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. You know how persnickety people at the post office can be, caught up in an incredibly boring bureaucratic delivery process. Anyway, the aforementioned letter bomb came back to Mr. Rahnajet with a "Return to Sender" notice dutifully stamped on it. Forgetting that it was the bomb; Mr. Rahnajet foolishly opened it up and was suddenly blown to bits. There now, feeling better this wondrous New Year? I know I am. Do not forget this one valuable lesson. No matter how bad you feel, no matter how depressed, you can always rely on the post office to return mail with insufficient postage. We do have some token stability in this fast-paced, brave new world. |
