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You are about to forget about 80 percent of this column
© by Mike Keenan 
Dear Mr. Retired Person,Amy in our grade five class read us your newspaper answer to her question about changes that happen when you age. Do you have any other interesting facts? (My project is overdue!) Thanks, Tom Dear Tom, There are many fascinating facts that a senior can share with young people. After all, we have had a lot more experience. For example, when you eat a hamburger, know how long it takes your stomach to digest it? Twelve hours. Neat, eh? I recommend you take a bath or shower daily. Why? There are more living organisms on your skin than there are people on earth. And, wearing headphones for one hour increases the bacteria count in your ear 700 times. That's a lot of creepy, crawlers, Tom. Despite that, seven percent of Americans claim they never bathe at all. I'm guessing everyone knows when they show up. Speaking of smell, did you know your nose and ears never stop growing? Arteries and veins surrounding the brain stem are called the "circle of Willis" after actor, Bruce Willis, who will never win an Oscar despite his exhaustive Die Hard movies. Ever wonder why you go to school? We forget 80 percent of what we learn everyday! When your mother asks what you learned today, and you say nothing, that's pretty close to the truth. This escalates as you get older. Soon, it's like Chevy Chase in that groundhog movie that keeps repeating over and over again which is both good and bad for old people. Good because it's easy to keep them amused; bad ...gees Tom, I can't remember why it's bad. Ever want to become Amish? It's a good lifestyle. The Amish diet is high in meat, dairy, refined sugars and calories. Yet obesity is virtually unknown. They have no TVs, cars or powered machines and spend all their time in manual labor. The term "manual labor" may be unfamiliar to you here in North America. You might Google it or YouTube it or ask someone my age or perhaps a foreign worker to explain the concept. Do your young parents tell you to stop fidgeting? Well, fidgeting burns 350 calories a day. You might reply that you are on a fitness program. Here are more important facts: brushing your teeth regularly prevents heart disease; human teeth are almost as hard as rock; one quarter of the bones in your body are in your feet; fingernails grow nearly four times faster than toenails; the heart beats over 100,000 times a day; thigh bones are stronger than concrete; like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different; men hiccup more often than women; men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better; each time you lick a stamp, you consume 1/10 of a calorie; ribs move about 5 million times a year, every time you breathe; women blink nearly twice as much as men; the average person has over 1,460 dreams a year; the average person laughs 15 times a day; a kiss stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation; women like it light and frequent; men like it more strenuous. Amazing eh? What's your favourite smell? I like fresh bread and coffee, but a survey revealed that banana was America's favorite smell. Think of all the money wasted on exotic perfumes when people could smear banana along their cheeks and arms. I understand that mosquitoes are attracted to banana, so you have to be careful. Did you hear about Canadian astronaut, Robert Thirsk, who spent five months in space? He didn't burp once. Astronauts cannot burp. There is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs. Tom, I hope this helps. Finally, if you read all of this fascinating information to your parents, the only part that they will remember (20 percent) is the part about kissing. Adults like to read about kissing. Ask your mom about Harlequin romances. |
