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I'm having Hansard withdrawal with Ottawa on hold
© by Mike Keenan 
To bored seniors out there who daily depend upon Question Period and the diligent reading of Hansard for their prime source of entertainment, I feel your pain. To our shock, we learned that for a period of not quite three months, our Ottawa-based parliament has been prorogued a second time by our Prime Minister and assented to by the seal-heart-eating Governor-General, Michaëlle Jean . I understand nobody wants to be in Ottawa during winter, but according to the Peter Mansbridge interview I watched on CBC, Mr. Harper reports that he needs almost three months to "recalibrate" his government. What does recalibrate mean? Who knows? But you must admit that it's a great term that would bamboozle any interviewer, even the esteemed Mr. Mansbridge. Your wife says, "Look; I think it's time to recalibrate our marriage." What do you say? If you are Peter Mansbridge, you look puzzled and meekly inquire, "Does that mean I sleep in the other bedroom?"
Applying the infamous Ronald Regan economic filter-down effect (wherein the rich, if they get richer, graciously allow scraps to those in the lower echelons) and the premise that it's the right course to follow our esteemed political leaders (with the possible exceptions of Hitler and Pol Pot), it's assumed that hard-working post office employees should also shut down for a similar period. "But I need to mail this letter to Stephen Harper," I implore one of the posties, who is locking the door. "Sorry sir," he replies. "We desperately need to recalibrate in here. Come back say, in a few months." Imagine the chaos throughout the land if teachers needed an equal period of recalibration! And firemen and union members and small businesses and municipal government and ... To suggest that Hansard is right up there in Canadian reading favourites along with the likes of Sports Illustrated and McLean's does little to explain why we read it. Once you read Hansard, it's like crack cocaine; you are immediately and irredeemably addicted. This is why crafty librarians house it in the Reference Section of the library. You thrill to such phrases as "Some Honourable Members: "Here! Here!" and wait expectantly for the Speaker of the House to demand an apology from one of the same Honourable Members for calling another Honourable Member "a lying, cheating, stealing, phony," whereupon many more Honourable Members will shout, "Here! Here!" It doesn't get much better than that. I suppose the Sports Illustrated bathing suit edition might be a close second. Then, there's Question Period when the leaders stand up, talk in circles, do not answer any questions and generally blame the other guys for our collective troubles whether they be economic, sociological or legal in origin. My favourite part is when Mr. Harper rises, fastens his suit coat button, turns to the Speaker, and dramatically says, "How do you like my great haircut? In truth, I think I am becoming as good looking as Mike Harris. Mr. Speaker, thank you for your attention." The part I like next is the camera always shows the backbenchers in his immediate area bobbing their heads up and down and smiling in agreement. This is where the idea originated for all of those wonderful plastic canine heads you notice in the back window of automobiles that bob up and down. I'm guessing someone became filthy rich by watching Question Period. Now, no more theatre to inspire inventions for almost three months. What is a senior to do? Okay, the Olympics are coming up soon, but really, who cares about watching great, well-conditioned Canadian athletes in their prime playing against the best in the world when we could watch Question Period? The way our Prime Minister stickhandles around committee requests and even subpoenas is far more dazzling than the mundane exploits of Jarome Iginla or Ed Belfour. And luge? How can you compare luge to a sea of bobbing heads? |
