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Send in the seniors to terrorize the terrorists
© by Mike Keenan 
Seniors have been subjected to far too much news about terrorism, exposed 24/7 so often such that by merely writing "24/7"we are instantly reminded of "9/11." Detailed reports of ingenious ways in which a terrorist may blow himself up, the latest fads - shoes and special underwear. I should fess up regarding the latter. I was the inspiration for the undergarment attack. Since becoming a senior, I've been subjected to several unexpected underwear explosions myself, but I never thought that terrorists would employ this devious tactic.
Terrorism? Do you think people our age are scared after what we've been through? Replaced hips and knees, triple-bypasses, rheumatism, arthritis, raising children and a list of complaints longer than a jumbo jet. It's time that we terrorized the terrorists, and I can think of no better group to accomplish this task than that of senior citizens. Get rid of silly, expensive full-body scanners. Forget about x-rays and pictures and dogs sniffing bags and the CIA and CSIS and all of the other useless techniques tried thus far. Send in the seniors. My plan is simple. Seniors like company and enjoy conversation. Let's make terrorism a win-win scenario for seniors. They would work in shifts at each airport. All you need is a line of fifty seniors that each passenger would walk by for investigation. The same dynamics are involved in wedding receptions when the bridal party glad hands and greets each guest before rushing off to the bar to prepare for boring speeches by people who should have taken a course in public speaking. "I really love my sister. She is so neat. I remember our first Christmas..." Yuk. Okay, it's the same strategy for screening terrorists. The first few seniors are the glad-hander's. They warmly shake hands and tightly hug each traveller advancing along the line. This takes the place of silly pat downs and provides an opportunity to check for sweaty palms and hidden objects. Terrorists will wince at this intense greeting but regular travellers will feel more enthused about their flights. The next few seniors in line specialize in genealogy. "What's your name?" they ask. "Gladys Smith. How interesting. Do you know the Smiths on Queen St. in Niagara Falls? No? What about my cousin twice removed in Tacoma, Homer Smith? Where did you say you live? Ah, that's a nice place. Tell me about it. What's your favourite restaurant? Let me tell you about mine..." Get the picture? This kind of profiling puts the Israelis to shame. And we have only started. There are a lot more seniors in the line. The next group test voice (and commitment). They start with, "Sorry, I can't hear you too well. Would you speak a little louder please? My hearing aid doesn't work. Now could you repeat the whole story again? Why is it you are flying to Thorold? Does Thorold have an airport? Would you like to hear about the trip my spouse and I took?" By now, any terrorist worth his or her salt would be steaming. Yes, travellers would have to report a few hours earlier to the airport, but how many terrorists are willing to endure two hours with seniors who are adept at torture techniques of their own? The next group checks for political affiliation. "Would you believe that they called for prorogation again?" one might start. "My husband and I voted for that nice Mr. Craitor. He has such shiny, white teeth and lovely eyes. Who did you vote for? Do they have nice teeth? What colour eyes? We've voted faithfully for every election in the past fifty years. I remember John Diefenbaker. We called him "Dief the Chief." He was quite an orator. Who is your favourite orator?" There are only three or four more groups of seniors left down the line, but by now, most terrorists have fled the airport and crashed a wedding and have gulped several beers, even those who do not normally drink. |
