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Sines and cosines and the language of love
© by Mike Keenan 
Well, it's February yet again, the winter month that decries that romance must be celebrated precisely on its 14th day even if it's dreary outside. Even if you have to shovel snow. With
the incredible peer pressure that masses about, one had best come up with something such that when out with another couple and they ask what you purchased your spouse for Valentine's
Day, you do not squirm and feel like the stingiest person on earth.
Remember when you were in elementary school and the teacher had it rigged so everybody received a Valentine's card? Those were the days, and inexpensive to boot. Now, one must purchase expensive trinkets to symbolize enduring love. On a fixed income, this task is not easy. To the rescue, I have assembled cheap yet profoundly romantic suggestions that will get you through this ordeal. Speaking of school, why not put to good use all of those mumbo-jumbo mathematical concepts that they tried to pound into our concrete heads? For example, the Pythagorean theorem involving three sides of a right-angled triangle which states: "in any right triangle, the area of the square whose side is the hypotenuse (the side opposite the right angle) is equal to the sum of the areas of the squares whose sides are the two legs (the two sides that meet at a right angle). In other words a squared plus b squared equals c squared." Using poetry to infuse emotional warmth into this cold mathematical concept, write this note: "Your lovely hypotenuse keeps me on the right angle such that me plus you equals something that others neither understand nor appreciate." In truth, I never understood the Pythagorean theorem. And I have no idea what it means, but it sounds impressive and when your spouse tells her friends that you compared her to a right-angled triangle; they will blush and be impressed yet not have a clue what it all means. If she does summon the courage to ask, simply say, "It means that I love you." Also in geometry, an equilateral triangle is a triangle in which all three sides are equal. In traditional or Euclidean geometry, equilateral triangles are equiangular; that is, all three internal angles are congruent to each other and are each 60 degrees. Again, write poetically: "You plus me plus your father's dowry form equal sides that cannot be pulled asunder." Again, the use of mathematical terminology mixed poetically is both hard to understand or resist. When she tells her friends about your romantic use of mathematical concepts, they will all grow quite envious considering that all they get is mere flowers and chocolates, half of which (the chocolates) are eaten by the men. Finally, after the above two have been digested, try this impressive sentiment to finish her off: "Just as Euclid elegantly proved that there are an infinite number of primes, we also are two primes whose strength is our composite factorisation. Call me irrational but my sine and your cosine were destined to intertwine for there exist positive integers such as you and me such that a + b = us." When she shows this note to her lady friends, most will be thrilled and some will surely faint. The compelling rhyming scheme alone is comparable to moths driven towards intense light. Be careful because this last sentiment is quite powerful and should be applied only to women who are highly evolved. Women who are base or common might run amuck, incapable of assembling the heavy imagery and suggestive connotations. I hated math in school, and it caused me pain and endless sorrow so I think it brilliant of me these many decades later to use it in such a positive fashion to help make Miriam ecstatic and drive her wild with passion. That's my theory, which may or may not last as long as that of Pythagoras. |
