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A hyperbaric chamber makes an ideal gift
© by Mike Keenan 
This column is dedicated to perplexed sons and daughters of seniors, well-meaning siblings without a clue as to what to buy aging mothers and fathers this year for Christmas. What do you get people who seemingly possess everything? Certainly not another pair of slippers or a subscription to Good Garden Magazine or more bloody golf balls to end up lost in the rough or yet another New Age stick-less frying pan. Forget socks. They are boring. Your dad hasn't worn a tie in twenty years. Your mother will not appreciate a Sarah Palin haircut. They can borrow their big print books at the library. No, it's time to purchase something truly spectacular and yet at the same time, practical. Follow my reasoning.
There's chamber music; four chambers dividing the heart; the torture chamber; the chamber of commerce; and then, the hyperbaric chamber. Hyperbaric? Yes, it's a chamber employed for hyperbaric medicine, also known as hyperbaric oxygen therapy, (HBOT) the medical use of oxygen at a higher than atmospheric pressure. A hyperbaric chamber makes an ideal gift. Sylvester Stalone, star of seemingly endless Rocky movies, resorted to HBOT for his final Rocky film. In 2006, after an absence of 16 years and at age 60, he climbed back into the ring and was pummeled by a 37-year-old professional boxer. Afterwards, he acknowledged that he spent a couple of nights in a hyperbaric chamber for the depleted oxygen to return to his battered body, including his brain. Imagine parents ensconced inside such a chamber, particularly when you want to get rid of "cranky old dad" for a few hours. Simply place him inside and presto, no more complaints starting with the phrase "in my day..." Think of the fun that you will have with the grandchildren playing "where's grandpa?" or simulating long flights into space as in the movie, Aliens. A hyperbaric chamber is a multi-use vehicle. Let's say that grandma whips up one of her frozen meals circa 1967 that she has kept conveniently wrapped in the freezer. Quick, jump into the hyperbaric chamber! If you squirm at the thought of parents hermetically sealed inside such a small enclosure, think of it this way. Soon, they will have to downsize and move into a smaller enclosure. You are merely helping them to adjust on their journey. Stalone compared it to Edgar Allan Poe's short story about premature burial. Nonetheless, athletes the size of Jeremy Shockey formerly of the Super Bowl champion New York Giants, and Dallas Cowboy Terrel Owens each own a chamber while baseball pitcher, Randy Johnson, aka "The Big Unit" at six feet, ten inches, did not balk at employing the device to maintain his 100-mph fastball. These items are not inexpensive; however, they certainly ease Christmas, Thanksgiving and other compulsory visits that kids complain about. "Mom, we saw grandpa four months ago; do we have to visit him again so soon?" The device works with increased pressure delivering fluid in the form of water and electrolytes into the body's cells where they do the most good. The chamber promotes relaxation by normalizing heart rate, respiration, blood pressure and temperature. Some athletes report that 45-60 minutes is equivalent to four hours of sleep. HBOT was developed initially to combat diving disorders and flatulence, bubbles of gas in tissues associated with decompression sickness and gas embolism. The chamber increases pressure, reducing the size of the gas bubbles (but not the smell), improving blood flow to tissues. High tissue oxygen concentration keeps oxygen-starved tissues alive and removes nitrogen from the bubble until it consists only of oxygen which is then re-absorbed into the body. (I have no idea what any of this means.) Slang for a cycle inside the HBOT chamber is "a dive." An HBOT treatment for longer-term conditions is often a series of 20-40 dives. A shallow "dive" transports one to a pressure equivalent of 18 meters or 60 feet of water. It's time to go big and fork out $10,000 for a hyperbaric chamber. Your grandparents will love it, and you will impress your friends, telling them about grandma's dives. |
