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Baseball lingo 101 for your spouse
© by Mike Keenan 
Now that the MLB (Major League Baseball) season has started, as a public service for all spouses of men like me, (I feel your pain as I've already watched the Yankees, Red Sox, Marlins and Jays on TV.) I would like to explain some significant baseball lingo such that you may better understand this delightful pastoral pastime played on artificial turf. In this fashion, you may join your spouse on the couch for up to three long hours and engage in meaningful discussion as opposed to responding to requests for more beer.
Prior to watching any game, I suggest that you first check the Internet for a rendition of Budd Abbott and Lou Costello's Who's on First. This routine will fashion a smile on your face and allow you to understand key baseball positions in the field. A brief summary: Who is on first base; What is on second base; I Don't Know is on third base, the pitcher is Tomorrow and the short stop is I Don't Give a Darn. The positions not mentioned are the outfielders in left, right and centre as well as the catcher. There you have it, the starting nine positions. You may now ask intelligent questions such as, "Who is your favourite first baseman? What is your favourite second baseman? And so on. If you want to get cute, you can throw in the names of teams. This constitutes a good geography lesson. Think of these three-hour sessions as your way of combating memory loss with old age. Quick now, ask your spouse to name the last three Jays' coaches. Now, let's examine how baseball terminology has invaded our speech patterns. This will demonstrate to your spouse that you know "how the game is played," that in fact, you are "willing to play ball." He used to think that you were "way off base," but now senses that with "two strikes against you," you are "warming up" and not ready to "strike out." If you suggest to your spouse that you would like to "cover all the bases" in your talks, he will understand that you are ready for the "big leagues." He will suggest that you "keep your eye on the ball" and perhaps rest assured that you "will go to bat for him," in fact perhaps make "a grandstand play." You will become "a hit," and probably reach "home safe." This will surprise your spouse because he probably thought that you would not "get to first base." He now sees you "in there pitching." Also, there is great carry over. Next time you go shopping, you may walk right up to the salesman and say, "Don't leave me in left field. Make your pitch." He might think you are "a screwball" at first and try to "throw you a curve" or make you the victim of "a squeeze play" but your spouse will regard you as having "something on the ball," realizing that you picked up the jargon "right off the bat." Don't be afraid "to make a blooper." In baseball, they keep track of errors on the scoreboard. "Get a good cut; swing the lumber; don't be shut out; look for something right down the middle." When you are in the game, there will be no "rainchecks" issued. If your spouse can't remember one of baseball's million factoids, who knows? You may eventually "pinch hit" for him. Just don't get "caught leaning" like a runner with "too big a lead-off" Take it "one base at a time;" try to get yourself "in scoring position" on the couch; remember to "tag up" on fly balls; and take a "wide turn at first." Believe me, your spouse will be so impressed that he might try for "a homerun" right there on the couch. You can either give him a "high five" or call him "out at the plate." |
