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The enemy would never figure out our bathroom breaks
© by Mike Keenan 
There are many criteria for service in the armed forces at present, but I would like to reflect on the issue of age. Maximum age now is 42 in the U.S. and 34 in Canada. An author I read thinks this is way too young and says they have the whole thing backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us older guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you are at least 45. For starters, researchers report that 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Us old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. This makes us much more alert although we do tend to retire earlier in the evening. However, this is mitigated by the fact that we get up three or four times throughout the night to visit the washroom. So, our enemies would never know when we were up. Next, young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. Miriam says that I complain about everything, and I think she is right. "My back hurts! There's nothing on T.V. I'm tired and hungry!" The list goes on. Thus, we are an impatient lot, and maybe letting us shoot at some terrorists will make us feel much better and shut us up. Speaking of routine, an 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a. m. as they are too busy on their computers all night trying to twitter everyone they know and respond to all of their Facebook friends. Old guys always get up early to visit the washroom again so what gives? We are tired and can't sleep and since we are already up, we may as well be constructively engaged shooting at some terrorists. A big plus would be that in the unlikely event that we were captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank and serial number might be a stretch. I hope that they still use dog tags; I would simply read mine off if I remembered where I put my glasses. A few days of entertaining of a group of us whining and complaining seniors and the enemy would gladly give us back. If this is how we are going to look and act, they might think, why bother? Let's pack it in. Boot camp would be far easier for seniors. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're also used to soft food. And we have developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house away from the screaming and yelling. "I'm going hunting." I say to Miriam. "Expect me home in a few days." "You don't own a gun." she replies. "I will strangle whatever gets in my way!" I explain. Of course, they could lighten up on the obstacle course. And the running part is a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back or side of his head. These are all great reasons that the author advances to keep kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us seniors track down those dirty rotten terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a horde of irritated seniors with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them. And if you want to instill intense fear in the enemy, throw in a few old bagpipe players. I hate the sound of bagpipes. |
