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Here are some 'horrorscopes' just in time for Halloween
© by Mike Keenan 
Thought for the day:Sometimes you think that everything is going your way and that you are on top of things, but then you remember that raven that appeared at your door one night with such a strange message, "Nevermore!" If today is your birthday: Be sure to check your birthday cake as the candles were probably made in China. Look up "melamine" in the dictionary. Today, people will expect you to make a wish. Be careful particularly if you wish again for 'absolute power.' Mars conspires with evil plans for the Ram. Expect a headless horseman, more likely an extremely short bald senior driving a Buick, to bump into you today on your way home. Fortunately, you didn't lower your insurance rates by increasing the deductible to $1,000. Taurus, April 20 - May 20 Venus has had enough Bull. Your spouse or special someone advises that he or she has acquired a small yet intriguing tattoo in an unlikely place and would you like to try and find it later in the evening. Exercise extreme caution. Bizarre events will transpire and you may join the Navy. Gemini, May 21 - June 21 Mercury has it in for the Twins and we are not talking about Minnesota. You watch "The Shining" in HD which gives you the willies, causing you to wake up suddenly in the middle of the night, screaming then singing, "We got to get out of this place!" Cancer, June 22 - July 22 A full Moon tends to make you Crabby. You encounter three weird looking women wearing pointed hats. They chant: "Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn, and caldron bubble." Be careful; they promise great things if you vote NDP in the next election, which will occur three months from now. Leo, July 23 - August 22 The Lion that stays out too long in the Sun acquires first a red rash, and then boils and then excessive gas which ruins a social outing and leads people to think that you have acquired satanic tendencies. Use lotion with a high PF factor if it looks bright outside. Virgo, August 23 - September 22 Mercury is tired of playing the Virgin. Despite an incessant urge to enter a convent, you decide on a trip to Las Vegas where, unfortunately, you gamble with far more than mere money. Remain distant from those who, when they smile, exhibit large incisors and emit scary voices that remind you of Boris Karloff. Libra, September 23 - October 23 Venus influences the Scales of justice. You are appointed to a jury that sits to decide yet another appeal from either O.J. Simpson or Lord Conrad Black. Yuk! Scorpio, October 24 - November 21 Mars & Pluto invite the Scorpion to remain under a rock. Talk to nobody. Do not leave home. Do not answer the phone. What do you associate with the word, "hideous?" Correct. The municipal market value assessment officer arrives to re-evaluate your property. Sagittarius, November 22 - December 21 The Archer is tricked by Jupiter. Thinking that you have hit the bull's eye at work with yet another important observation, you suggest to your boss that he or she was wrong. Capricorn, December 22 - January 19 Saturn scorns the Sea-Goat with another phone call that says you have won a big prize in an off-shore contest. Aquarius, January 20 - February 18 Saturn & Uranus conspire to flush the Water-Bearer. Stop drinking seven glasses of water per day. It's really not healthy. Pisces, February 19 - March 20 You are invited to join a Sicilian social club that sometimes sends friends to sleep with the Fishes. Jupiter & Neptune are weirdly mis-aligned. If someone kisses you on the cheek, view the collected "Godfather" series, and take to your mattress until Jupiter & Neptune get straightened out. P.S. Have a thrilling, happy Halloween! |
